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Iraq Cool Ranch Dorito Group
The Iraq Cool Ranch Dorito Group was formerly known as the Iraq Study Group. 'Study' implied that something about the Iraq War needed to be examined, so the name has been changed to something all Americans can rally around. Today's Topic: "The Middle East" Members * Chairmen ** James Baker ** Lee Hamilton *Members ** Laurence S. Eagleburger ** Edwin Meese ** Leon Panetta ** William J. Perry ** Charles S. Robb ** Alan K. Simpson ** Dr. Kevin Federline, PhD * Tokens ** Chick *** Sandra Day O'Connor **Black Guy *** Vernon S. Jordan, Jr. * Uncredited (they helped out because they love America that much) ** Henry Kissinger ** Richard Perle ** George H. W. Bush <--- Back Off Old Man ** Paul Wolfowitz Mission To extract resources and funds from Iraq along with one's own ass without losing dignity, or at least with some good cover. This study will examine the mistakes in Iraq to make the war in Iran or Darfur easier to coordinate. Projects Obsolete Project Formerly Known as the "Iraq Study Group Report", is a Report released by the ICRD Group, formerly known as the Iraq Study Group. It is also available in a Large Print edition for seniors. What were they thinking? Frankly, no one knows what they were thinking - and it really doesn't matter, because they were thinking, as opposed to feeling - something done far too often by people who write reports. Content The Iraq Study Group Report is claimed to list 79 "Recommendations" on what should be done about Iraq. Firstly, this assumes that something should be done about Iraq, which is complete nonsense since any freedom-loving American knows that our mission in Iraq has been accomplished for some time now. Secondly, there indeed are 79 italicized-bold-font paragraphs (occasionally longer than just one paragraph in actuality) with "RECOMMENDATION #:" perpended. Those are not, as one may suppose initially, independent possible courses of action, but actually just different components of one grand proposed course of action. So in a way, there's only one recommendation that has 79 parts to it. As if misleading honest Americans is not enough, the very unnecessarily long recommendation does not say "stay the course," and is therefore wrong. Notable Quotes ;pg 92:Our embassy of 1,000 has 33 Arabic speakers, just six of whom are at the level of fluency. ;pg 95:there is significant underreporting of the violence in Iraq. The standard for recording attacks acts as a filter to keep events out of reports and databases. A murder of an Iraqi is not necessarily counted as an attack. If we cannot determine the source of a sectarian attack, that assault does not make it into the database. A roadside bomb or a rocket or mortar attack that doesn't hurt U.S. personnel doesn't count. For example, on one day in July 2006 there were 93 attacks or significant acts of violence reported. Yet a careful review of the reports for that single day brought to light 1,100 acts of violence. Grade Received The President's Dog graded the original report, and the report received a measly "dirty paw" (or as school kids are more familiar with it, a 'D-'). This is why the report has to be redone (with the new title and shiny pretty cover) - if the group members don't receive an "approving lick" (A-) or higher on the new version, they may have to spend another semester in 12th grade. Current Projects Study Cool Ranch Doritos. Date Due End of the semester - December 6, 2006 Current Report Cover Future Projects * Submit a five-page double-spaced essay: "What I Learned From Studying Cool Ranch Doritos." * Make a collage entitled: "Why Cool Ranch Doritos are Patriotic." (AKA "The Easy 'A' Project") Uses For The Iraq Cool Ranch Dorito Group Report *Doorstop *Kindling *As a booster seat for David Gregory to see over his own erection over how bold David Gregory is. * Help balance wobbly tables/chairs * Weigh down other pieces of paper * Throw at anyone who disagrees with your gut * Practice your round-house kicks * Kill snakes with. Especially if they're on a plane * Distract bears. Especially if they are on a sub * Practice your book-ripping skills * Holiday Christmas Use: Shred into little pieces to make paper snowflakes. In any case, whatever you decide to do with your copy, DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, READ IT!!! Any freedom loving American knows that reading is bad for you. Unless it's the Bible. Which you should have your priest read to you. See Also * Study Groups